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Today is a day off for me.
I saw my Dr. who says I am making slow but steady progress. I hope I get my full allowance of physio.
Two nights ago I was doing IQ tests, and out of four tests, I scored 123, 127, 130 & 131. It was nice to break 130. It makes me a little more discontented with my present job, though, which seems a waste of my potential.
I also stopped in at the library and got some paperbacks, 4 for a buck, or in Canada, a Loonie. That's the bird featured on our $1 coin.
One title; "I'm not much, but I'm all I've got"
I got a full body swedish massage again.
Yes, yes..I know! I had massage class yesterday.
We were doing full backs last class, and I don't mean football players. Bathing suits were worn to give optimal contact. We are all ages, colours, shapes and sizes, and it was easy to see that you don't have to look like a model to be beautiful to your mate. Our whole class showed skill in melting their partners into lavender-scented puddles of gratitude.
So, why go again, and to a stranger/student, yet?
I'm simply addicted, and I booked the appointment ages ago. I was tempted to cancel, but I am glad I didn't.
What a super-sensual, NON sexual, experience! This student was really talented. I bought a pair of bikini briefs so that I had something fresh to wear. I hate wearing grungy LIVED-IN, worn-all-day briefs for Dr's appointments, waxing, the pool change room, and now massage.

Ron and I had a fight Monday night.
We are on truce right now.
He told me about his day, and how he worked some, visited our oldest son some, looked for work some and visited a daycare some. It seemed to me that he was all over town, and I asked him why he wasn't more focused on the job hunt.

He gave me a long hard look.

After that, everything I said was poison to his ears; compliments, "yes, but..."s and apologies.

My perspective;
I was stuck, trapped working all day - a long and tedious job, far below my abilities, with injuries - and he is all over town.
I was jealous. He is visiting our son for the second or third time, and I haven't even been once, because I am spending almost 90 hrs. biweekly, at work. Dad visits, Mom doesn't.
I was hurt because he didn't tell me he was going to go see our son. He brought him a telephone answering machine, which was needed, which I am glad he received, but he went without me. Dad brings presents, Mom doesn't.
I was hurt also because our son refused my gift of the drafting chair. Dad brings GOOD presents, Mom doesn't.
I was scared because we are at a crucial time financially, and it will be impossible to continue unless hubby gets steady paying work. Dad hasn't yet landed that prestigious, well-paying job he's gone to school for (What is WRONG with those employers?), Mom doesn't earn enough at her lowly job.

Should I have said nothing?

Does he know my perspective, and what his actions seem to be saying IN my perspective?
Is my perspective all wrong?
What is holding me back?
Certainly he is aware of the financial pressure. We both are. Why state and re-state the obvious?
No logical reason. Just emotional, I guess.
I am scared, hurt and tired, and I had to say so.
I don't know what positive things I can say, and DO say, beyond, "You can do it. You will get an excellent job. I know you can do it."
I will try not to say what negative things I feel, to him.
At last, when the storm was blown out, we decided that we needed act on some issues, including to resume praying together.
We can tell it to God.
Together.

Amen.



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