The Miscarriage Association

When my third son was just starting to scoot around, Gentle Reader, I discovered that I was expecting another baby.
By then, we were experienced in the provision of God for our children, no matter what Hub says now.
We welcomed the prospect of being parents once more.
However, looking after a busy household is hard work.

It may have been from over-work, or from some physiological reason which I may never know, this side of heaven.
After a fishing trip I started feeling unwell, and the next morning I began to bleed.
I kept myself in bed, trying not to give gravity a chance. My husband thought it would be best for him to leave me alone in this condition and go to church. He was going to take only the oldest child, but I convinced him to take the baby too. He left the second child, just a toddler, with me.
He said he was going to get the church to pray.

I had severe cramping pain, but I tried to keep quiet so I wouldn't frighten my second son.
After a knife stab of agony, a sudden gush of and tissue flowed, like a period, but much heavier.
I went to the bathroom, and stood in the bathtub to contain the fluid.
There was so much of it!

I had to visit the hospital twice.

My baby was gone.

This was such a painful time.

Some people aren't satisfied that you are suffering. They have to make you feel bad about feeling bad, too.

One woman I knew at church decided that I should not be permitted to grieve. She told me that every skipped period COULD have been a miscarriage, and that I may have lost children I never knew of, and that one out of three conceptions fails to come to term, so it's really nothing.

Thank you for minimizing MY loss into something YOU can handle.

Yale- Cranial Nerve 10, pg. 1

Here is a link to Yale U's School of Medicine, and a description of the five fabulous funtions of the vagus nerve.

I promised news of how we are working to improve our marriage, Hubsy and I.
We have been assigned by our accountability couple, (whom we saw on Monday night, during a blackout, no less!)to go OUT on two dates this week.
One FUN one, and one serious one, where we may discuss no more than TWO issues.
Hub is being challenged on his re-remembering things with regrets, such as becoming a father.
Regret is the opposite of thankfulness.
It really takes control for what happens to us out of God's hands and into our own, retrospectively yet, which is impossible.
Because we do not know where the road will take us, how can we expect to HAVE known?
How can we go back?
Sorry, but I want to live a life sans regret. That puts accountability for everything that happens on God, the ONLY sovreign power, and responsability on my reactions to my circumstances on ME, the only person to whom that onus belongs.

I can't believe he has forgotten how pleased he was to have sons, how he enjoyed holding them and sensing their love, acceptance and need for him, how in love with our babies he was.
He never enjoyed anything as much in his life as being a father, once he saw that his fears the baby wasn't healthy were groundless.

Should I tell about my miscarriage today? I am running out of time, and it's a story that takes time to tell.

Next time, Dear Reader.

Coughing? Pop a chocolate

My husband sent me this link, Gentle Reader.

Anything promoting chocolate (which I champion as much out of principle as pleasure), is laudable, but I am more interested in the Vagus nerve, the action of which the chocolate component theobromine suppresses.
I did deep research on the Vagus nerve before my last computer crash wiped out my links, but it is the most interesting nerve in the body, I think.
I used what I learned to successfully self-treat my GERD, and to help myself lose weight and improve my posture.

Next time - what we are doing as a couple to improve our marriage, and my miscarriage in 1991.

MSNBC - �How to Survive Your Husband�s Midlife Crisis�

HIS midlife crisis?
So far, no new sports car for him - though he prefers driving MY nifty 99 van.
No excercise for him.
I improved my physique with diet and Pilates.
Younger women? Lately? So far as I know, only in his vain imagination.
Younger men? This summer I noticed handsome, well built younger men more than ever, since before I was wed. But I try not to let it distract me. I have received an unsolicited MSN member's email (He SAYS he's 27, Francophone, and his nickname, translated, means something like God's gift to women! Right-ee-O!), and a Classmates unsolicited email invitation to meet an male alumnus for coffee. (Can't place the guy at all).
Deleted everything without further consideration.
Why?
Because I wouldn't like it if he played email footsie behind my back.
Because, with God's help, I have what it takes to resist temptation and remain faithful.
Because I still want only my husband, even if he does look like Homer Simpson and is mean to me sometimes.

Because I love the Blues.

And, if it weren't for the heartache of loving someone more than they love you (or at least thinking you do), there would be no Blues.

Oh, yeah!

Beliefnet.com -- Today's Bible Reading
Today's Bible reading, the widow who would be vindicated.

I am determined to be vindicated, too.

God visited me a couple of nights ago.
I was praying in my bed, and I got to worshipping Him for being so amazing. His presence came to me, and He smiled on me, and He healed my right jaw (tooth grinding, tight molars, slow decalcification) by directing calcium to the the needy areas.

He also healed my right hand in the first set of joints, which bear the brunt of the wear and tear of my work.
I could see it all as if in The Incredible Journey, as it was happening.
He radiated His love on me, and the healing came on me in those two places.
I didn't deserve it - I wasn't even that aware that I needed it, although I did - and He just gave it to me.

I felt so loved!

I am trying to love Hub, to find the Love Language that speaks to his heart.
He has been rejecting my overatures.
I hear "Not tonight Josephine", more often that Josephine!
I am a beautiful fourty-something woman, and I am feeling VERY womanly.
I wish he would avail himself of the opportunities this circumstance provides!
I think he enjoys being hard-to-get, an enigma, making people try to unlock him, figure him out.
It's actually an attention getting device, I think.
A way of being in control.
The less he says, the smarter he can look.
Hub has enjoyed being the dark horse often.
Because he usually gives no opinion before an event or issue, he can treat everyone to his 20/20 hindsight later.
He used to be much worse, but he is willing to risk an opinion more often now.
What a relief! Even if I don't like his opinion, at least I know where I stand.

I was writing about Hub's cruel way with words last Blog.
Another zinger?

Just after our second son's birth, the nurse came around to educate me about tubal ligations, in case the experience of giving birth had soured me on having any more kids.
I had a fantastic birth experience, and my baby was so beautiful, that I was amazed anyone would want suggest a stop to production when everything was going so well.

I was ready to beat Cheaper by the Dozen!

I told Hub about it later, and he said that maybe I should think about it.
I thought my body had been through enough and I asked him if he would consider a vasectomy.
"No," he said.
"I might want to have more children later."
"Oh," I replied.
"WITH WHOM?"

I don't want to be unfair.
When I have told Hub that his words have wounded me, he has often apologised.
Sometimes it took a lot of evidence of pain, like tears, or the risk of someone else hearing what he'd said before he would say "sorry".
Sometimes he has been truly and touchingly sorry. It's easy to forgive him, then.
However, I think that his apologies are mainly along the lines of;
"I am sorry if you are hurt by what I said (But it's just too bad, - the truth hurts, don't it!)"

Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.

FUGLY

My hub sent me the redneck rollercoaster, renamed the Saskatchewan rollercoaster, to commemorate our visit to Moose Jaw, SK, to visit the Temple Gardens Mineral Springs there.

Give me a break!

We had mostly a nice time. For me, aside from visiting the Tunnels, eating well in restaurants and the spa, the highlights were catching a glimpse of It's a New Day, a Christian talk show where I used to be a counselor.
Gary Chapman was discussing his new book The Five Languages of Love, and later during our stay, we found it and bought it.

Hub has a wounding way with words that sometimes catches me by surprise. On Saturday, our last evening, we were eating at a really good restaurant, and in addition to wine and dessert, we were treated to complimentary Irish Creams on ice. Whilst sipping in serendipity, instead of saying something appropriate AND true, like "You look great", "You lost weight", or "I'm having such a good time", Hubs screws up his face as if I was becoming the Human Fly, and asks me whether I'd seen the dentist recently.

I KNEW my breath was sweet.
I knew my teeth were clean and white - I just bleached them.

Why do I need to interrupt my anniversary dinner to see the dentist for an emergency appointment at 9PM in Moose Jaw, SK?

Because my two front teeth are bowing inwardly - a little.

This upset me more than a little, because
a.) I had noticed this years ago.
b.) I got two quotes on fixing it.
c.) It got voted down as it was too expensive, $1,000 a tooth, would require scraping off my natural enamel, building it up with dental ceramic, and need to be redone every five years or so, and wasn't covered on any dental plan we ever had because it was a cosmetic procedure.

Hub had forgotten all this.
He saw nothing of the warm, emotionally responsive, beautiful woman who looks younger than her age across the table from him.
He only noticed a shadow on my smile.

What about his balding head?
What about his noisy hemorrhoids?
What about his big stomach?

He's starting to look like Homer Simpson.

He fantasizing about other women finding him attractive all the time.
The world teems with them!
Of course!
They are Homer Simpson fans!

On Friday, he ignored me almost all day, hardly looked at me, didn't walk beside me or take my hand, like he was telling the world, "I'm NOT really with her". Until close to supper time, when he poured on the warmth suddenly. Was it the thought of food that made him emotionally expansive, or a late insurance policy for fun in bed later?

On Sunday, on the way home, I told him I was exercising while driving. He told me to be sure my sphincter got a good workout.

On Monday, we met with our accountability couple, and, for the first time ever, Hub suggested that I blocked his education by insisting on starting a family.

When we were first married, it is true, we agreed to take turns going to school.
Hub didn't yet know what he wanted to do, so he said I should go first.
He took my first student loan cheque, and spent more than half of it on jeans and leather jackets for himself!
In the middle of the second year he lost his job, so I had to leave school and go to work.
Happily, I found a job in the area I had trained for, but at only 5 cents an hour more than I'd been making before my education.
I was on the Pill, and my periods were getting strange and the Pill was making me nauseous.
When I threw it up, I didn't have confidence I was protected. (I was right.)
Therefore, I wanted to go off the Pill for a while.
According to the guidelines at the time, it was recommended to break from the Pill after so many years on it.
I suggested other contraceptives, but Hub didn't like any of them.
Starting a family was no sudden business.
Nine full months after I stopped the Pill, I conceived.
Then, when our first son was just sitting up, we were at camp and forgot to pack "everything".
I told Hub it was a risk. He said he didn't care. Later, he said he just thought it wouldn't happen.
Our second son was on his way, and his older brother was only seven months!
I admit I was resentful for some time.
I went to see a counselor at last who helped me to accept my situation.
I was at home with two rambunctious little babies, when Hub remembered that it was his turn to go to school, and he went - FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK!
Oh, God in heaven, those were long and lonely days for me, especially in the winter!
I was being left behind with the bambinos while he went to church alone, shopping alone, out for coffee with friends, without me...
And then he needed quiet to do his homework. As we weren't quiet enough, he went to the library, stayed late at school, repeated classes he couldn't seem to pass...
Then came the day when I had everything under control for once. A tidy house, a good supper, freshly bathed children all ready for bed. Sitting on a rocking chair, nursing the youngest, in a perfect moment to tell me he loves me, appreciates all I do, that I'm a great wife and mother - he tells me "He struggles with the thought that he married the wrong person".

Blew me away.

I struggled, hard, with suicidal thoughts after that.
I thought life is too short to spend it with an ingrate like him.
I thought there must be better men, better fathers out there.
But I knew from my own Dad's endless longing that the boys would want no other father but their own.
And I knew that God had promised me life with Hub would be hard, but that I was strong enough.

That is when I began to throw myself into the community.
If I got no appreciation or thanks at home, I would find it elsewhere.
And I DID.
I became a direct sales queen and a community leader.

Hub didn't like this, and we started going to Married For Life classes.
I decided to take up the challenge of working WITH Hub instead.
I gave up my outside activities that were so successful and gratifying.
While we were in agreement and worked together, it was great.
Our kids were happy and did well at school.
It was the best time of our marriage so far.

Nothing, however, lasts forever.

More later, Gentle Reader.

The Time Machine - Official Site

This movie had lousy reviews, but we saw it this week, and it wasn't bad. Certainly took huge liberties with the book, but the director was the author's grandson, which sort of implies an okay. The machine itself was interesting, Victorian-style, with crystal vanes on a sort of pair of veggie-steamers to make a time bubble.

It was no worse than the Count of Monte Cristo.

I got an email from our second son, who is feeling homesick.
He got the parcel I sent him last week.
I miss him, too.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to go on our trip to the spa for three nights. I am nervous that excuses to put it off will be found by Hub, as on my vacation.

He is away so many evenings, that we hardly get to talk. It's always too early or too late.

I found a whole pile of unpaid bills when I oragnized his invoices for paying taxes.

I feel taken advantage of.

I am chugging along, paying the mortgage, soon the new van payments will start, and guess what vehicle everyone prefers to drive? Especially because I keep the tank full. I'm on the hook for the hotel reservations - it's on my card. Meanwhile, NO bills have been paid. He makes about twice my wages. What's he doing with his money? I know he eats lunch in a different restaurant every day. I should know, I just organized the receipts!

I opened 55 untouched envelopes that arrived by post since July!

I want to take a ride in a time machine, to see if I could nip a few things in the bud.

But for now, I'll settle for the spa.

Eh, I just phoned him. It's midnight, doncha know, and he says he still has 2 more hours til he's done. That's 2AM, and he wants to leave for the spa at 6AM.

I have a bad feeling about this.

CyberPatrol - Internet Filtering Software

I have noticed that Hub is signed on MSN Messenger today, at 5:11 pm, while he said he was at work.

MSN Messenger is an internet chat service. You can use it from any computer, because you can log into the MSN Messenger server with nothing more than a passport identity and a password.

I called him at 5:00 on his cel phone to remind him about the Parent and Youth function at church tonight. He said he was busy at work and didn't know when he'd be done.

I asked him to call back with sufficient notice so that our third son and I could meet him at church if neccessary.

He took his laptop with him this morning. It has no cyber patrol software that I can get reports from, unlike the other computers at home.

I could still write a message to him. I noticed that he seemed to be on MSN Messenger at work, and I asked him if he was using it to contact his clients/suppliers.

He returned at 6:30 pm, and when I asked him about his appearing to be logged on to MSN Messenger, he said he'd remained logged in since about two days ago, when he was chatting with a friend.

I wonder if I should ask him to send me cyber patrol reports from the laptop also.