href="http://www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/20040831.html?th">

Today is the seventh anniversary of Princess Diana's .

Last night I went out to a Bookstore, and picked up three books, treats for me. I wore my new fall outfit, a soft cream blouse and a long, slimming, low-cut paisley jumper.
Figure magic!
The checkout lad noticed my classy attire, and poured on the charm.
One book was on DIY Pilates, another on DIY Detox, and the third was a volume on DIY fragrance, my aromatherapy experiment.
"Scents of Time" was published by the Metropolitan Museum of Art, NY.
It is both ravishing to the eye and the nose, as it presents the story, with illustrations from their art collection and samples of the fragrances that have proven the test of time.
The essences are very strong, the samples generous.
I still love the rose scent best.
That's the romantic in me, I guess.
Hub came to visit me to say goodnight, and I showed him my purchases.
He was a little surprised.
He was interested in the sandalwood/jasmine scent because it reminded him of India.
This morning I found pure Saffron spice on the kitchen counter.
Maybe Hub will make something tasty with it tonight.

Sympatico / MSN Lifestyle : Family : Articles : Put on your dancing shoes! Take lessons online

This may be the way I finally get some dancing into my life - this or go to the lessons alone.

Alone IS an option... Some nice gent may have the same daring idea, and there we are.

The counselors have been called.

Hub brought home a bakery treat for me today, trying to woo me.
He was holding the box out to me, then inexplicably asked me if I "deserved" it.

Wooing a betrayed wife, eh?

Wrong thing to ask.

As if all our present unhappiness was my fault, and not the natural fruit of his choice to indulge in wickness.

I tried to forgive him for over two years of horror and revulsion,
of feeling dirty and defiled for being with him, even needing him.
of self-punishment for my own weakness and insecurity to stay with a soul so stained,
and worst, letting my sons remain in their soiled father's presence.

WHILE supporting him through his studies and unemployment,
depression, medication dependancy and increased use of alcohol.

If he were charged for his crimes, there would be an outcry. The papers would have a heyday.
He would be in jail forever, solitary confinement, for his own protection.

The Old Testement was written with awareness of the dark heart of humankind.
It names and judges Hub's crime.

A sentence.

As I think about it, it's probably the most merciful thing to do.

For the criminal, the victim, the shamed family.

As it is, my crime is unforgiveness.

I could forgive a cheating businessman, but choose not to do business with him again.
I could forgive a bad haircut, and not return to that salon.
What I maintain is that I can forgive a bad husband, and not have to remain with him.

My freedom.

Because of the fact I've sincerely tried,
so long, so hard,
in the face of his incomprehensable arrogance, only one example of which do you see above,
and the relief from hypocracy I would know at last,

I DO deserve this!

MSNBC - �Find A Husband After 35�

Although starting a new life at my age may be challenging, it is NOT impossible.

We met with one of the Pastors from church.

My proposal is separation.

I have felt more comfortable, safer, less compromised and free from the horrible vibes & images that I get off Hub: since we've been sleeping apart.

I have a heart condition - perfect for this situation.
It's called an insufficient heart, due to a leaky valve.

We are supposed to meet with a couple who counsel
(we've met them - they seemed very interested in getting us on their vitamin club.)

We'll see what happens.

The deck is always stacked against the woman, and I will have to be the bad person in order to set the poor victim (It's better if they think it's Ron, even though he started all this) free of the horrible, unforgiving Virago.

That's ME.

Sympatico / MSN Member Directory - Advanced Search

Here's a source of amusement.
You get everything in this directory from the most sincere-sounding call of lonely longing into the cold ether to mocking, time-wasting empty shells, and the many shadows of truth and lies betwixt and between.

This is the masquerade that e-anonymity makes possible.

But how anonymous are we, really?

When I changed my profile, Hubs gets an invitation to an intimate casual hook-up group.

Was it spam, did he leave cookies where he shouldn't - or was it targeted marketing?

I tried to crystalize my thoughts today, my day off, at the bookstore. I wrote in a handwritten journal the pros and cons of our marriage, and the anatomy of our fights, so that I am ready for the pastoral cousellor when he sees us tomorrow.

Hubs joined me at the bookstore's mall, took me out for dinner, took me out for live jazz and chai, then to a movie. There was a rainbow over us as we went to the Jazz, and a full moon above us as we drove home. Auspicious!

We saw The Hero, with Jett Li. That movie was all about colour, silk blowing in the wind, and wire-work martial arts. It told the story of the unification of China

This is like dating! But I can't be bought off so easily.

For our lives to work in harmony would require a level of cooperation, communication andd respect so unlike our usual mode of life, I wonder if it is even possible.
I am still thinking a separation would enable us to live without the fighting long enough to establish new and better habits.

Am I kicking against the goads, or am I right on?
We will soon find out.

Google Search: internet matchmakers

Should I start looking for my next relationship already?
I don't think it's fair, but Hub-in-jeopardy hasn't always played fair with me.
Has he, now,the old deceiver?

I agreed we would go for counselling together. That's coming up probably Saturday. Same day as our middle son comes home from camp. He was invited to perform his Beat-Box accompaniment for a Christian Hip Hop rapper, who was so impressed, he asked our boy to record with him!

Hub was sick two nights ago, and I took care of him, so he thought everything was back to the way it was again.
Does he think I've got ADD or Alzheimer's?
Is this the First 50 Dates?

Where I live, it's 50/50...property, debts, everything; married or common-law.
Divorce mediation seems the civilized way to go.
I wonder if I will have to go all the way to the mat to get some respect.

Something my old boyfriend used to do that I loved was to chill his fingernails on the inside of the windshield, and softly stroke my face with his smooth, cool nail tips on hot summer days.

He liked to watch my face change colour while I appreciated the sensation.

He'd look at me like I was the most beautiful, the most wonderful, the only woman on earth.
And then he'd kiss me until I thought, maybe I was.

Yeah, I know.
I should write a book.

Expedia.ca - the best place to find deals and discounts on Montr�al hotel and vacation packages

Montreal: Romance and Elegance -
I just want to get away!
At first I thought that HE should leave - the deceiving liar! All I find is lies, more lies.
But now, I am prepared to leave, although it is a step into the unknown.
I could walk out of one pair of arms into another.

There are arms open to receive me.

But it isn't fair if I am not free.

MSN Encarta - Quiz - Geographic Extremes%3A How Well Do You Know the World%3F
Here is a site on extremes.

I was extremely angry when I found out about Hub's removal of his wedding ring.
And for how long he kept it off.
And where he kept it.

Makes me kind of wonder what was going on when he decided to take it off.
Was it drive-through, "Dear"?
Or pick-up?

The best revenge is living well.
So I will.

Where was I last time we had a nice, long Blog, O Gentle Reader?

Oh, yes...

I was becoming more "interesting" to the boy-next-to-next-door.
When I went to Elementary School, I veered off to the right from my house.
But when I went to High School, I walked in front of his place.
To the left.

I was tall and thin. Tallest in my class for years.
I was a runner. Track & Field. Cross-Country.
I wore my hair 70's style. Long and straight, sometimes a barrel-curl.
Glasses. Yeah. Some pimples, too. I thought I was sooo ugly.
But someone was noticing me.

In grade 8, I found myself a circle of friends like me, learned to dress and put on make-up right, and started to feel like I was fitting in.
In grade 9, it was like someone sprayed on me with neon paint that only boys could see.

"Here she is!"
"Whisper into her ear!"
"Whisper into her phone!"
"Hug her, Kiss her, Squeeze her!"

But before all that ruckus, I was flattered to be noticed.

One summer day that year, I was playing Badminton on the street with my friend.
The Watcher sat on his front steps for a better view.
As we hit the bird harder, our "court" grew bigger.
To the left.

Did we two s, in our little halter tops, play to attract his attention? Did we rush up and down and jump for the bird to catch his eye?

Y'think?

On one hit, the bird got stuck in the elm branches overhead. When I tried to knock the bird down with my racquet, the racquet got stuck, too.

Oh, no!

GAME OVER.

But, wait!

The watcher sprang into action, gallantly hurling a corn-broom into the treetops and releasing the errant birdie and racquet!

Well, we thanked him, introductions all around, and we asked him to join us.

He DID!

This University man: Dept. of Civil Engineering, second year, a Safeway clerk (good money!) and the owner of a brown Duster, (front bench seat) YES, this man of means played badminton, however briefly, with us.

And after, when my friend was a little way off, he asked me if I wanted to out to a movie, or something, sometime.

And that, my friend, is how it all got started...

It's funny, but you become imprinted with your first love.
Although we never made love, we loved each other.
I still get a rush if I catch the scent of his brand of cologne, the sound of his voice.
We did some simple sensual things for each other that still stand as my benchmark for pleasures.

But he didn't want to marry or have kids just then, and I did.
So, I found someone who said they wanted what I wanted.
I believed him and I married him.

My old boyfriend visited our town not too long ago.
He found me, somehow.
Called me up on the phone.
Would I come and see him?

NOT seeing him was the hardest thing I never did.

But I stayed away for the sake of my Hub.
Who has kept his wedding ring in the car ashtray for a month.
"One of us has made a serious mistake here, and has wasted the valuable time of the other person."
Which one of us?

superjer.com %3E videos %3E shockwave %3E theater
Proof positive that piracy doesn't pay!

I noticed today that Hub hadn't his wedding ring on.

When I asked him about it, I found out that he hasn't been wearing it for over a month.
Made his hand hurt, he said.

And where was he keeping this precious token of our union?

In the ashtray of his van, with the gum wrappers!

Shall We Dance%3F
Here is a site on Ballroom Dance.
Hubster and I will enroll in a class, if we can get a spot, called Romance Dance.
It's all slow dancing for beginners.
Should be dreamy...

Why dancing after all these years?
Tut, Gentle Reader; you ought to know me by now.
I'm just looking for a new way to get Hub to hold me tight!
After over 23 years, we have held one another just about every way that clinging can be clung!

It's been over 20 years since I last danced with a partner.
I have been active with liturgical dancing occasionally in the last 10 years, but before that - nothing but dancing while doing housework & chasing children!

It's funny that the two main men in my life have not been eager dancers, like the more casual boyfriends were.
From the age of 15 to 20, I had an intense relationship with a boyfriend five years older than I.
He was the prosaic boy-next-to-next-door, who watched me grow more "interesting" from grade five, when I moved into the neighbourhood, to grade ten, when we started to go together.
I had no idea he was watching me, noticing me, all that time, until he told me.
I was flattered AND a little blown away all at once.

More later...

MSN Women - Article
I housework, so any new ideas on reducing this time-consuming chore are welcomed by me.

Less stuff to clean? If only we could simplify our lives! There's always more stuff crossing the threshhold.

Hubbers got a "new" laptop - not the very expesive one he was going to order from Dell, but a customized reconditioned IBM thinkpad, which is even better, as it has all the ports he needs for any possible connections. Downward compatability can be a good thing. It looks a lot like the one I used when I was working as an Advisor for certain company.

Apparently, this techno-item is neccesary for new software he's training to use.

So, here am I, entering my Blog from MY laptop, an aging Compaq LTE 5280, bought when I was working as an Advisor for a previous certain company, perched atop HIS laptop, on a 60's vintage TV tray beside the his n' hers swivel rockers we keep in our bedroom alcove, where we talk, pray and even argue in private.

We have enough power for both laptops, but do we have enough broadband cable connection for each of us? Would a splitter work?

When we used to chat online, and in the same room, Hubs quickly began to make unprintable propositions to me. I guess it's an online thing, or a passing-notes-in-class thing. I would for such material to survive when I bring my LTE in for service. I technicians looking at me with a knowing eye.

In case you are reading my Blog, Hubby...

I still prefer the personal touch.

I'm not a fat housewife anymore, but I appreciate the tragi-comic laughs.

The Unofficial Sixpence None The Richer Website
I'm sorry to learn that this group has recently broken up.
Oh, well. Have a baby and everything changes.
I keep my promises almost all the time.
Here's proof.
These are my promised,
amateur,
probably not grammatically correct,
unaccented
French lyrics to one of my favorite love songs,
"Kiss Me" :

Embrassez-Moi
Dedier a l'espirit et l'esperance d'amour

Embrassez-moi, hor le champs plein d’orge barbue
Chaque nuit, au bord de l’herbe si vert
Tourne, tourne, (tourne, tourne) tourne-moi les pas de tourne
Portez vos chaussers chic et moi, je porterai cette robe joile

Ah, Embrassez-moi,
sous le ciel en l’eclat d’etoiles
Danse avec moi au le claire de lune
Lever dehors votre main ouvert
Commence l’ensemble jouer, font les lucioles danser
La lune scintillment
Alors, Embrassez-moi

Embrassez-Moi, (Embrassez-Moi )au cote de maison d’ arbre
Balancez moi (Balancez moi) au le balancoire
Aporte-vous (Aporte-vous ) votre chapeau toute fleurie
Prenez, nous deux, le sentier marque sur le
carte de famille.

Ah, Embrassez-moi,
sous le ciel en l’eclat d’etoiles
Danse avec moi au le claire de lune
Lever dehors votre main ouvert
Commence l’ensemble jouer, font les lucioles danser
La lune scintillment
Alors, Embrassez-moi

My husband has been behaving much more "husbandly" lately, and I was inspired by his manly actions to finish the translation.

eHow.com: How to Find an Ex-Boyfriend

Do I want to find my ex-boyfriends? Sometimes, some of them come looking for me.

I am not looking for a boyfriend, though. I am looking for a husband, a really good man.

When I look at my husband, do I see a HUSBAND?

My husband does not treat me like I expect to be treated as a wife.
Instead of involving me in his decisions, discussing them, praying together and coming to an agreement together, he gives me a series of announcements, kind of like the 11 o'clock news, of things that have already happened, that I can do NOTHING about.

Since he is deeply in debt due to several decisions he made against my advice, I feel very uncomfortable with the secretive way he is behaving.

That, and all those email adresses.

He e-talked to his brother about the laptop computer he is buying, instead of with me.

What does his brother care? He is not liable!

His brother once recommended for Hub to shop at Harry Rosen, a high-end clothier, for a certain job interview.
Probably he meant, just for a tie.
Hub bought a complete outfit. It was beautiful. The socks were $32 a pair.

With taxes, Hub's outfit cost just under $1K. The clothing was tailored and so was unreturnable. He used a credit card, since he didn't have that kind of money saved.
When I found out, aghast, he told me that, if he got the job, I could go out and spend a lot of money, too.

He didn't get the job.

The interviewer did say he looked great, though.

It took a long time to pay off the credit card. We had a very skimpy Christmas for our little sons. We had to consolidate.

Where we live, husband and wife share liability for debts incurred in either's name, together.

I am on the hook for his debts, without even knowing for how much, unless he deigns tells me!

This is the man who said that buying a gorgeous red running Karmann Ghia coupe (my dream car)for $2K would be an extravagance, a waste of money. Okay, yes, I would have had to learn how to drive Standard...

But for this car, I would learn how to drive, all over again.

Plus, the car had a story! It was bought new in the 60's to be the honeymoon getaway car for a cute young couple. The bride wore a cute little Jackie Kennedy hat with a veil!

Plus, it was MY TURN.

This is the man who owns a $1K suit that hasn't fit or been in style for years, which hangs unseen and unsung in the closet.

This from the guy who goes to visit his sisters, goes to visit his brother, goes whitewater rafting, while I stay home and work to subsidize his spending. Yes, I did go to Quebec and B.C.with him, but I helped to pay.

I'm tired of being the responsible person who takes the prudent view, who thinks of others, who gets stuck with so much of the crap and so very little fun.

It's time for my turn, for a lot of things.

Including a husband who makes me a part of his decisions, who takes turns.

Instead of one who mostly takes.

Pharmasave National - Library
Here is an article on BALANCE. It mentions the Zone, which I am striving for, in my own way.

Hubster may be going up to Baffin Island for his work. We don't know when or how long he will be away (Not too long, we would miss him too much, or get along without him too well.), but he expects to be well-paid. I hope he will get to see some of the unique wildlife there, and take lots of pictures.

Our Homestay from Quebec was emailing about his sports adventures, including kayak in the rapids. I tried kayaking - it's a hard vessel to control! I have a stronger right arm, so I fight the tendency to go in circles. I never tried rapids yet!

There are only four days until the Summer Olympic Games open. No-one has replied to my invitation to discuss the Games.
Too busy...
I am hopeful that our Canadian competitors do well, in spite of being pitifully under-funded. Here is the New York Times collection of articles on the Olympics. Their view is quite "Ameri-centric". Have you seen any good sites on our Canadian teams?

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/sports/olympics/index.html?th

Here is the rather lacklustre CBC site. Please email the link if you know of a better site:

http://www.cbc.ca/olympics/

Last week on Wednesday, our Japanese guest, Ron and I visited three Folklorama Pavilions. (our guest is 42, mother of an 11 year old son, and a Professor at Tokyo University, presently studying North American aboriginal culture.)
You will want to be sure your next visit to Winnipeg coincides with this great festival!

http://www.folklorama.ca/

Our first stop was at the Canadien Francaise location at the Franco-Manitoban Cultural Centre, where we tasted bannock and tortier. We enjoyed clogging, terrific fiddling and the highlight was a female vocal quintet called Madrigal. Striking harmonics!
Then we saw the Tropical Paradise pavilion, where we tasted mango ices and enjoyed the dance and music of India as it evolved in the Caribbean.
Lastly, we visited the Australian/New Zealand pavilion, where we met Australian aborigines in their authentic costumes.
To end the evening, we showed our guest the Cathedral St. Boniface, beautifully floodlit, and walked to the Forks over the Esplanade Riel.

Friday, I took our guest, my mother, my brother and my oldest son out to the cottages at the lake. We went up via Gimli, visited my second son at Camp Arnes, then went west through Arborg to Lundar. Here is a map that shows our route.

http://www.travelmanitoba.com/maps/interlake.html

Saturday morning our guest and I visited the Dog Creek reservation. It is good Interlake land. They fish, grow hay, wild rice and grain crops and raise horses, sheep, dairy cows and cattle. It was a funeral day, so we did not interfere with their grief, but visited St. Laurent for lunch later in the day. There is a large, friendly Metis population, and we had just missed the Metis Days with jigging, fiddling, food and fun.

Sunday after church, our guest and I went to St.-Andrew-on-the-Red, the Rectory, Captain Kennedy's teahouse and Lower Fort Garry. Later that night, our guest, Hubster and I went to the Metis pavilion where Sierra Noble fiddled for us, and enjoyed square dancing, reels and the Red River jig performed by childrens' and s' groups. We tasted buffalo stew, wild rice and more bannock. Next we visited the German pavilion, and tasted tortes. Years ago, I used to be a Folklorama volunteer at the German pavilion, and took my ballroom dancing lessons at the German Club there. I used to win prizes dancing. However, Hubbo will NOT dance, not even a Polka!
Maybe one day...
with the right music...

ah, well...

maybe not.