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It's Friday, and I am done for the day. This morning my car struggled to start. I think it needs to be plugged in overnight. We have a super-long driveway - enough space for FIVE cars, but Hubbo always parks right in front of the front door, blocking half a mile of driveway (and all access to the plug), so I have to park on the street, that I don't block him.
I wish I could plug my car in.
I wish he would park farther back.
I need to plug HIM in, so he'll get it.
Five minutes of RR-rr-RR-rr, and he didn't even look out the window, in in his nice warm robe and jammies, drinking coffee, comfortably underemployed.
I was late for work, under pressure, on the spot.
I felt so DAMN alone!

He's got a side job. $10/hr for a while. Thank God!

I hope he gets a REAL job soon.
My oldest son needs a real job, too.
Anyone reading, please pray that everyone who needs one, gets a real good job soon.

Thanks.

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Today is my day off. Yesterday, I rented the Matrix Reloaded (Remember, I have teenagers...) and A Mighty Wind (Long live the Folkies!) on DVD and pretended it was Friday night.
Chips, dip, hubbie and my big cozy red flannel PJ's with cute polar bears frolicing and a sapphire blue velour robe.

What can I say about the Matrix? Mesmerizing noodle bender. See it in an IMAX theatre if you can.

As for the other, we have a globally known Folk Festival around here, and the screenplay was co-written by Canadian Eugene Levy, probably in atonement for his part in the American Pie movies.
Do you know who Leonard Cohen is? Sylvia and Ian Tyson? There were many a knowing nod in their tribute.
I saw a TV special on a Canadian station that reunited some folksie ensembles, and it was bittersweet in moments, a little like this movie.

I am getting to know my car. I haven't named it. It sometimes stalls on the start. For a machine of it's age, it appears and behaves very respectably. I could take this car to a wedding or funeral, and not need to be the last to leave in order not to be seen getting into it in the parking lot. I could go to a job interview without looking desperate/poor.

SHOPPING. I dressed my youngest in snow pants, ski jacket & gauntlet gloves yesterday night. It cost a fortune to buy new, but warm outer wear is hard to find second hand. Sometimes you can find Melton wool, leather and real camelhair, and, if you are VERY lucky, down-filled vests and jackets. But almost never in youth sizes. People of that age usually wear their clothes to rags. I bought my sons caramel apples for $4 each from Rocky Mountain Candy Co. Very attractive, until you bit in and found a Rocky-hard Granny Smith green apple! Sour, too! I had a hot apple cider with a real cinnamon stick, which I have been gnawing on. Today, I got myself a few bargains - last weeks $40 roses for $10 from my fav florist. Ten loaves of last chance bread for $6 (yummy premium multigrain - I can rarely buy it fresh). Sandalwood soap, hubster's favorite, 2/$1. Sweaters, 2/$1 (green label, based on day received at Goodwill). I got six of those. I also lucked out even more and found an Unwin edition of the Hobbit with a cover illustration by Tolkein's own hand. (His original plan was to illustrate all his LOR books himself, as he was a competant draftsman and artist. He made many sketches). One book of his, words and pictures, was recently in print for the first time, Roverandom.

I'm trying to live well on limited funds, creatively. The roses and caramel apples may seen a luxury to some, but if you saw their fabulous colour, light scent and if you could feel what it does for me, you who disapprove now may change your mind. As for the carmel apples, what can I say? They were rolled in Smarties, sprinkles and chopped nuts. I will insist on Macintoshes next time. Best apple for the job.

I had Physio today. I fell asleep a few times, getting the warm moist heat, and then getting the TENS treatment. Funny thoughts go through your mind as you lay there, cushioned and bolstered, as if floating.

When I come home, it seems to be Hubster's cue to leave. He is spending a lot of time on the computer. And his cel phone bill is really high. Over $175! There are literally hundreds of calls this month. He gets free data (email), fax, and Mob Browser. It's the actual calls themselves that cost.

I wonder, should I worry?

I want to talk about it.
But I'm just getting a busy signal

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It's my working weekend.

The house isn't as cold as I thought it might be, with a big empty space where the furnace used to be.
We slept in our own room last night.

I didn't get enough sleep. I watched the charming new movie of Nicholas Nickleby. It was soooo great! You laugh a little, you cry a little. We own it on DVD, but the music is so merry and the visuals so appealing and the story so seductive, that I couldn't help turning ONE MORE TIME to the special features section, and viewing the "making-of" feature once it was done.

I took my oldest son out for a spin in the new/old car. It runs great. I filled the tank. He then drove it back to his place so that he could return later today to help build the insulated finished walls we are putting in before the furnace goes in on Monday.

It's all in aid of lower costs and fuel use - who can argue with that?

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The furnace has been ripped out of our house!
I bought the Toyota Corolla!
Autopac waived my deductable for fixing the Neon!
I get physio for my back AS WELL as my shoulder!
I got 8 Corelle cups&saucers for $4
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

All in all, it's NOT been a boring day off

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The car checks out OK for a lot of things. Ancient 1987 Toyota Corolla. Hidden rust, tho' and all those klicks... even if they are rural.
Hubster thinks it's too expensive in case it's a mistake.
When is getting a car NOT a mistake? Or too expensive?
Wasn't the Neon a mistake? AND too expensive?
At least this is in reasonable shape, saftied and CHEAP to buy, to insure, to run, and to fix.
Hubster is ripping the furnace out tomorrow (Friday) and putting up an insulated wall in the basement behind it.
Until the new, energy efficient furnace is installed (Monday), we will be camping up on the second floor, which is heated electrically.
It's snowing just north of us...
Brrrrrrr......!

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Evil twin possibilities

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Update: car under consideration.

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I'm going to look at a car - my 2000 neon's lease is up in Dec. I can buy an 87 Toyota Corrolla DLX for $1,500 cash, and insure it for $766 per year.
Meanwhile, the neon costs $315 per month to lease, and about as much as the Toyota costs to buy, to insure per year.
Hopefully, it will not require a lot in the way of repairs. It should be good on gas. This car will be what we call here "a Beater".
Basic transportation. Not much money wasted on car washing and waxing. One air-freshener per annum. Bumper stickers cushion impacts - put more on today!
I'll tell you more once I look at the thing.
Laters!

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Yesterday I met with the family of the young man who hit my car. I asked hubbie to come along for moral support. Instead, he supported a position which I consider questionable. This made me aware of my own accountability for my integrity.
I can't depend on anyone else, or turn to anyone for "moral support", no matter how close.
Another party may have no problem at all advising me to do something that they themselves would not touch with a ten foot pole.
I know what is right.
I will do that which I feel is right before my own heart and God.

We are having a boy named Ten over. His mom is a electronic visuals artist. She helped me turn boring event footage into a fun video.

Parents got challenged to think about how they are raising their kids today at church. I talked to our second boy, who said he hoped that I was listening.
I asked him what he meant by that, when we had a private moment. He wanted to know why he had been educated in a public school when lots of the kids at church attended Christian school. I told him that we asked discussed it with him and his brothers at several points, that money had been a factor, and that we had continued with public school as a result.
I guess he remembered those times when I talked about it. Sometimes, you have to remind them.
Do I have regrets? He's getting great grades in gr. 12. We could move him to an excellent Christian school on Monday, but like he said, what would be the point now?

I think all but the most lazy and evil parents do the best they can with what they have.
That's how I reconcil myself to my parents, and I hope my sons will see me in the same way.

DrPhil.com - Advice Sections

Here are two links that I am checking out.
Remember how i wanted to talk to Dr. Phil?
Here is his designer-label canned advice.

DrPhil.com - Advice-testing

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It's the end of my work week today.
YaaHOO, weekend!!
My younger bro's girlfriend stopped in - they are having a break from each other, and she wants him back.
Tearfully, she told me part of the story, until she got a committment from me to try to reach him, then she slammed down her trump - she's thinking about going back to her previous boyfriend, she has a ticket for tommorrow's flight outta here, and lil' bro had better get in touch with her before then, or else.
Talk about an ultimatum!
Just as I was asking her a few questions about what their life together was like, and what positive changes could be made, the inlaws walked up to be taken to the clinic for tests.
MIL doesn't like driving downtown herself, or maybe she just likes to be driven around.
I know I do.
She asked hubster, but he was going out and so shrugged it over to me.
(When they were done, they paged me FIVE times, as if I was lurking around the corner, waiting until the moment they were done. They paged before they got to the door I dropped them off at, from an office I didn't know they were in, from a phone which put me on auto-voicemail message when I called to locate them, and I spent 20 minutes trying to find them in the province's busiest hospital.)
Tragic, trying to look brave, lil' bro's GF said goodbye to me and the IL's and swept out the door and into those crazy roller-coaster rapids that make and break modern relationships.
I hope they'll both be OK.
Hubster and I had a mini-tiff. I found an old email from a Miss Puss in Boots, and another from a woman who wanted to know what he was wearing. When he replied, she said that she had sent the message, meant for HER husband, to him "by mistake". Hmmmmmm....
Also, our Cybersitter has been defeated again.
He found an old email to me from a fellow Mensa candidate, and put it in a "Friends?" folder he made to bug me.
This guy got my email from a Mensa mailout, and sent me an unsolicited message. I told hubbers about it when I got it, and made a polite answer to him that made clear mention of a clever, protective HUSBAND and three TEENAGED SONS, sure to make any Mensan with impure thoughts think twice about risking reduction to his high IQ. I also mentioned to the chief local Mensan that I got an email from this guy.
Strangely enough, he never bothered me again.
So, why should hubby bother me with it again?
When I asked, he didn't remember my telling him about it, my reply or my message to Mensa.
To refresh his memory, I emailed him copies of all the correspondence.

I also asked about Miss Puss in Boots.

What is this really about?

Is the cat out of the bag?

Did he make a pass at the Puss?

More next time, same cat-time, same cat-channel.

But know this.
I'm a bit of a sharp-clawed green-eyed monster myself.
I'll make cat's meat out of him if he did/does me wrong.

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My husband has five email addresses, which he defends fiercely.
Why?

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Thanksgiving weekend was survived. I worked the entire three days. MIL cooked up a fine feast. Hubbies bro and son camped here because of allergies. His wife and daughter joined us for the meal, as well as her coz, a fine young man fighting Hodgekin's disease. My dad and bro came by in the evening. Special diet for dad - no turkey. Ron BBQ'ed two pieces of plain, unseasoned chicken. MIL and FIL slept here two nights, in our room. We moved back up to the big blue room. I keep my effects in three recycling boxes. Our oldest son slept on the sofa-bed.
While I was out working, my MIL rearranged my cutlery drawer.
"where's the spoons?!" I wailed, trying to make tea for hubbie, who takes sugar.
MIL nipped into our/their room and closed the door.
"Don't sweat it - she probably forgot...", whispered hubbie.
After living here for a MONTH?

Today my mother came back from Germany. I'm so glad that she arrived safely.
It was also massage class - the last one.
Instead of doing herbal wraps, we had a session on hydrotherapy theory and stretching, using the big bouncy pastel balls, rubber tubing, and illustrated books. I bought my husband some knee pads so that he could do floor massage without pain, or less pain at any rate.
No-one was ready for dinner when I got home, even though I was a little late due to buying the knee pads. The soup was still cooking. I was impatient to get going to the airport to see my mom, as I had discussed over the phone earlier. Hubbie complained that I had gotten home late, however I noticed that the soup wasn't ready even though I was late.

Could this be the beginnings of a fight?

I didn't and I still don't want to fight.

I just wanted to see my mom after almost six weeks.

He dropped me off and I ran to see her. I was the first one there as she waited for her luggage to come through and around.
Later, Dad and my bro appeared. Mom was in panic because she could not find her passport. I got her to the airline counter to get help. and then I had to go because hubbie was circling the block, thinking dark thoughts.

After massage class, I made Chai. Hubbie informed me that he was going to the credit union to ask for an extension of the line of credit. I asked him if he knew how much he needed, how much he was going to ask for.
He doesn't know.
I'm not a banker, but if I were, it would give me a good feeling if the person who wanted to borrow money from me knew how much they needed, and what for.
It's a joint account, which I started years ago. Hubbie is actually under my name, as I am the original account-holder.
I suggested adding up the bills, subtracting my pay, and any difference is the shortfall.
Easy.

I sometimes feel concern for my/our credit rating.
Actually, I am concerned about our whole future.
I took responsibility for the mortgage payments from my personal account last week.
The room downstairs is still not rented.
Hubbie is still looking for a job.
I am working with two injuries.
How long can this continue?

God knows.

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Did I mention that I took a hit on my car Wednesday? The other driver left an apologetic note with contact details. Wow!! Didn't just hit & run, ya know.
When I called, I found myself speaking with the drivers parent - it was a newly-licenced driver who hit me, and the proposal was to pretend to the insurer that the dad hit me, NOT the son. I don't want to see the kid get his licence suspended or cancelled, as he needs to drive for work. But I don't want to mislead my insurer either. I am going to counter-propose that they fix my bumper privately instead. After all, they raised their boy right - why chase it with a cheat?

My poor car looks like it could use some TLC. I will wash it and vaccum it soon.

Lease is up in December. Will I buy it out for about 7K, or look for a used one? I am reading up on consumer reports on 97's.

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Friday was my day off. I spent it in a frenzy of appointments. The first appointment was at 9 something with my student friend to have my hair coloured. I had a grey "racing stripe" down my centre part. Racing to the hairdresser...! Looks only beautiful. Took a little longer than I thought... Then I had to run to physio, which ALSO took longer than I woulda thought. New set of excercises. Progress, slow but steady. Then I saw my herbalist for my guts. I am on a slow cleanse. She stopped and prayed for me. I needed that! Then I went back to the beauty school to get my hair cut. My friend did such a nice job! I feel so pretty - what a lift. But it was getting late for her - she was going horseback riding with the young s from our church that evening. We were just finishing up as the instructor was reminding the students to clean up. Home at 4:30 pm.

Saturday was a working day. It's also a long one, starting at 7 something am and ending at 10 something pm, with two splits. I injured my back at about 5:30 pm pulling a client up in their wheelchair. I have to make another claim and I will hopfully get more physio and excercises. I can't afford to stop working. Perhaps it will be cheaper for the insurer to piggyback my visits. As soon as I got home, I self-treated. I got a back belt, an ice/heat belt and put them on tout suite I took muscle relaxants right away, and chilled out - literally, for the less than two hours before I would have to return to face the same client. I succeeded in finishing my day without further harm to myself. I took my night dose of relaxant and totally lost conciousness until morning.

Today I was glad I had taken care of myself early after the strain, because I would not have been able to work today otherwise. Four from Calgary and two from Niverville and one from Keenlyside for thanksgiving dinner at 3pm. My dad and bro will come at about 6pm.

Even if I have a lot to be angry about, Like my injury and my pain, I am also thankful for the beautiful meal and the visitors.

Thank you.

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Tomorrow is my day off, and I can hardly wait. I have four appointments. Hair, feet, guts and physio. Wait - there's more!!

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Today is a beautiful day, beyond compare.
I shopped for groceries and bread, and all my visiting plans fell through.
No-one is home. Everyone is out, enjoying the gorgeous weather. It's probably the last BBQ of the season tonight.
I am wearing a beautiful ramie sweater.
I got it for my husband, but he refused it, saying that it didn't look masculine enough.
I thought it looked fine; imported, european even.
Perfect for me, then.
I may be appointed a union steward.
My dad was a steward for CUPE.
Then I will take steward training.
I hope to be useful to my fellow workers, to protect myself and my fellow workers through a better understanding of our contract agreement.
Rented Solaris and Holes this weekend.
I found Solaris a short story plot in a novel-lenghth movie.
Why not just come out with it and say that second chances, grace and redemption are possible, and that after we die our spirit lives?
But the original Solaris movie was made in godless USSR, a bold pro-faith statement made in sci-fi guise, and won an award for special effects.
(I think they used different densities of tinted and opaque oils to represent galactic nebulae.)
Holes was different for Disney.
Interracial romance, family curses, boot camp for JD's and buried treasure.
Something like a cross between the Princess Bride and The Great Escape.
I found it hard to watch the brutality, injustice and child labour in terrible heat, even if it was "acting".
Amazing to see Henry Winkler and Jon Voight looking sooooo old.
Henry Winkler will always be The Fonze to me, somehow.
Must be a teenager thing.
I am reading the Pelican Brief, and I always enjoy John Grisham pot-boilers.
Impossible to put it down!
But, I must try to make the most of the day.

P.S. Pumpkin pie for dessert!

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Today was a full day. My youngest son is making dinner. Spaghetti and meat cylinders & gravey from a can. Then we are going to help the new youth pastor & his young family to move into their new home. They have been staying with another couple from church, and I am sure that with two active little boys, they will be happy to have their own space. I know just how they feel, having had three active little boys, who, each in their turn, pretty nearly stopped my heart !
Now they are three BIG boys, near, nearing or at hood.
It goes by fast.
Is it possible for new parents to think of that when it's bedtime, or when the kids are fighting, or when they are being the cutest little dickenses ever seen?

God bless them in their new home.

We are picking up two of the younger members of our group on the way. One is a beauty school student, and I have made an appointment for her to retouch my colour and cut my hair.
She thinks I'm brave, but I know she can do it. When I was a teen, I remember standing in front of my mirror after getting an expensive haircut and washing all the goo out. The goo was all that held the shape of the style together, I learned. This was before Vidal Sasson and his precision cuts. As I stood there, with water and tears streaming off me, I thought I could never leave the house again!
I've survived.
I've even had worse haircuts.
In the late 90's, a student got frisky and gave me a SHORT razor cut.
Yes, I had split ends for quite a while. Once the actual hair started growing back on my SHAVED BALD nape again!
I have survived, and I am nothing if not willing to try new stuff from time to time.

Tomorrow is a long run. Then I get the weekend off. I will get groceries, see my Dad, maybe visit the InLaws. Seniors do not always feel like cooking, but prepared foods are often bad for them, or unappealing. Maybe once a month we can do a cook-off together, and freeze homecooked foods.

Husband is home. It is nice for him to be working. Did I mention that after years of fighting over having the boys in french Immersion, he is now taking - Guess What??? - FRENCH!!! in the hopes of a government job. In Canada, we have two official languages, and the other one is English.

Mais absolutement!

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Today is a day off for me.
I saw my Dr. who says I am making slow but steady progress. I hope I get my full allowance of physio.
Two nights ago I was doing IQ tests, and out of four tests, I scored 123, 127, 130 & 131. It was nice to break 130. It makes me a little more discontented with my present job, though, which seems a waste of my potential.
I also stopped in at the library and got some paperbacks, 4 for a buck, or in Canada, a Loonie. That's the bird featured on our $1 coin.
One title; "I'm not much, but I'm all I've got"
I got a full body swedish massage again.
Yes, yes..I know! I had massage class yesterday.
We were doing full backs last class, and I don't mean football players. Bathing suits were worn to give optimal contact. We are all ages, colours, shapes and sizes, and it was easy to see that you don't have to look like a model to be beautiful to your mate. Our whole class showed skill in melting their partners into lavender-scented puddles of gratitude.
So, why go again, and to a stranger/student, yet?
I'm simply addicted, and I booked the appointment ages ago. I was tempted to cancel, but I am glad I didn't.
What a super-sensual, NON sexual, experience! This student was really talented. I bought a pair of bikini briefs so that I had something fresh to wear. I hate wearing grungy LIVED-IN, worn-all-day briefs for Dr's appointments, waxing, the pool change room, and now massage.

Ron and I had a fight Monday night.
We are on truce right now.
He told me about his day, and how he worked some, visited our oldest son some, looked for work some and visited a daycare some. It seemed to me that he was all over town, and I asked him why he wasn't more focused on the job hunt.

He gave me a long hard look.

After that, everything I said was poison to his ears; compliments, "yes, but..."s and apologies.

My perspective;
I was stuck, trapped working all day - a long and tedious job, far below my abilities, with injuries - and he is all over town.
I was jealous. He is visiting our son for the second or third time, and I haven't even been once, because I am spending almost 90 hrs. biweekly, at work. Dad visits, Mom doesn't.
I was hurt because he didn't tell me he was going to go see our son. He brought him a telephone answering machine, which was needed, which I am glad he received, but he went without me. Dad brings presents, Mom doesn't.
I was hurt also because our son refused my gift of the drafting chair. Dad brings GOOD presents, Mom doesn't.
I was scared because we are at a crucial time financially, and it will be impossible to continue unless hubby gets steady paying work. Dad hasn't yet landed that prestigious, well-paying job he's gone to school for (What is WRONG with those employers?), Mom doesn't earn enough at her lowly job.

Should I have said nothing?

Does he know my perspective, and what his actions seem to be saying IN my perspective?
Is my perspective all wrong?
What is holding me back?
Certainly he is aware of the financial pressure. We both are. Why state and re-state the obvious?
No logical reason. Just emotional, I guess.
I am scared, hurt and tired, and I had to say so.
I don't know what positive things I can say, and DO say, beyond, "You can do it. You will get an excellent job. I know you can do it."
I will try not to say what negative things I feel, to him.
At last, when the storm was blown out, we decided that we needed act on some issues, including to resume praying together.
We can tell it to God.
Together.

Amen.



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